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I've made pretty much the same five resolutions every New Year's Eve for the past four decades, so I've decided to exit 2016, one of the most craptastic years on record, by updating a popular 2012 post in which I resolved to remain unresolved. I'm launching 2017 with a single guiding principle: Screw it. I'm just going to be myself.

Top 5 Non-Resolutions for 2017:
#1 Stop using bad words. Yeah. Fuck that. I plan to use words appropriate to the occasion, including the occasional F bomb.

#2 Lose weight. Based on 45 years of empirical study, I can conclude with some certainty that dieting, self-loathing, guilt and constantly talking about my weight is not going to make me a size 9. I am a size 16. Bam. Weight problem solved.

#3 Work smarter, not harder! "Smarter" too often translates into "what works for other people." I have to do what feels right to me as an artist and works for me as a sole proprietor, and so far, working insanely hard seems to ha…